Tuesday, September 19, 2017
The Diary of a Lost Black Man
September 6, 2017
Redwood City, CA
89 Years Old
Dear Diary,
Wow, I found my old journal from many years ago. As I look back I remember a woman that I encountered on the streets. I was so young at the time. My writing really shows me how blind I was to the problems in society. I was unable to see the truth and put change into my own hands. It's crazy to think that I used to have this mindset. Reading it really takes me back. The old me was so different. I really wish I hadn't changed my name. Well, enough reflection. It's time for me to go run (I know it's the struggle now, my bones are creaking).
All Best,
Jackson Carter
*Old Journal Entry is Below*
February 21, 1947
Chicago, IL
19 Years Old
Dear Diary,
Today was a typical day. I was heading back to work as I entered the local Deli on 85th and Halsted near the Grocery Store I work at. I got the typical ham & cheese and sat down at the register. I then noticed a middle aged french woman in her 30's staring at the sandwich, wondering how to eat it. Out of kindness I told her "You can just eat it with your hands" and smiled warmly. She looked at me, smiled and began to eat the sandwich. I thought to myself "rude much" and as I turned to go away she looked at me and said "You look lonely. Where is your family?". I resisted to respond and told her that I was perfectly fine and my family was living down south. She responded "Oh that's nice, I'm glad to see that someone is happy around here; I haven't seen that much". She got up and said "Have a nice day".
As I reflect on our conversation I realized that I was lying to her, but I was also lying to myself. My mother is dead and I never met my father. My older brother was killed by a police officer, and I was left to die on the streets at the age of 10. I taught myself how to read by scouring the streets and trash cans for magazines. I don't have a home and I live around the town. With all this being in mind I realize that I will have my rise to glory some day soon. This woman may have seen through my lies, but she did not see thorough my faith. God will always have me, and soon I will prevail by his glory. The lord himself gives me true happiness and that's all I need.
I need to find somewhere to sleep soon; so I'm putting down my pen and paper.
God Bless,
Johnathan Carter
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September 7, 2017
ReplyDeleteRedwood City, CA
89 Years Old
Dear Diary,
As I analyze my diary page by page I noticed that a lot of it is missing. Looking back I realize that may be due to the fact that a lot of pieces of myself are missing today.
The encounter with Dean was very interesting. It shows me the racial tensions that were alive then. The same tension still lives but in different forms. Currently my sexuality is something that is not prove, but public; however I still tend to hesitate when I communicate with other people about it. The social constructs around it now are very different than back then, however, I feel as through with our current governmental status we are regressing back to the ways of the old times.
This guy Dean. He was giving me little innuendoes, however, I definitely would d not acted on them then. I wonder if I would have acted on them now and tried to get to know the guy. My perception of reality was twisted by the drug then, or maybe it was just the fear of the unknown. It was the fear of not knowing what the relationship could have been because there was the possibility that nothing as there. Maybe one day before I die I will have the ability to be liberated from the shackles that is called society.
Best,
Jackson Carter
*Old Journal Entry is Below*
November 27, 1950
Springfield, IL
23 Years Old
Dear Diary,
Moving to Springfield, IL I thought I would be able to escape all of the commotion happening in society, but it was the complete opposite. I wanted to come here and try to create a new life. Create a new persona of myself and break the social norms. After running into a guy named Dean today I really realized how I will never be able to express myself ever again.
I was walking past a bar and I saw this guy high out of his mind. It seemed as if he was inside of another world. He was staring at the wall, and I looked down at his fists to notice that they were extremely bloody. He had punched the wall to the point that his hands were broken. I approached him and said "Do you need help?". He smiled and looked me up and down. There was something about him. It seemed as though he had "it". There was something inside of his essence that made me want to gravitate towards him even though his aura seemed to be of something not positive at the moment. He handed me a piece of paper rolled up and said "Want to try it?". I hesitated, but then I picked up the piece of paper and inserted it into my mouth and tried to take a puff. I coughed vigorously as I released the the smoke from my mouth. Dean replied slyly "That's how you do it. It looks like you tried this before?". Baffled I said "What do you mean? I don't like to get in trouble". He replied "I don't know. I mean it looks like you don't have anything else better to do. You know, I don't see many of your kind around here anyways. What are you doing?" As I started to reply the world got extremely loopy and I couldn't get the words out of my mouth. Dean goes "Welp, I need to help myself so you have fun there bud". He winked at me and started to walk down the road. I sat on the park bench and collapsed. I began to see my mothers reach down to close my eyes. I opened them up and realized I was in my bed.
I don't know who or what got me home, but god really saved me.
The Lord is Good
Johnathan Carter
September 18, 2017
ReplyDeleteRedwood City, CA
89 Years Old
Dear Diary,
I have been away a while. I got completed swamped with looking through my old journal. I found contact information from old friends so I have been catching up with them this entire time. Interacting with them has been such an enlightening experience. Now since I'm back to present day I want to talk about a novel I read. The book was called "Flaming Iguanas".
Initially the title had baffled me, but the content itself is what really hit me home. This novel is amazing. One reason why it was so amazing is because it is not like the traditional book you read. It defies the gender roles that once completely restricted men and women alike. The protagonist is so vulgar and it surprised me. Women back in my time would not have written such a novel. Now if a man had written a novel in such a way, it would be completely socially acceptable.
This point brings me to a pressing issue in today's society. The stigmas around women having to act a certain way are insane. They have to talk a certain way, walk a certain wait, eat a certain way. It's purely absurd. If a man were to pass gas they are laughed at, while if a woman did the same thing she would be looked at differently as a person.
This novel is so untraditional that I love it. I hope people continue to break these norms as time goes on and after my death (which will probably be in a few years; my bones are creaking).
Intrigued,
Jackson Carter
September 19, 2017
ReplyDeleteRedwood City, CA
89 Years Old
I've been feeling extremely sick lately. This past night I was not able to sleep at all and there was this very sharp pain in my head. I've had frequent headaches but nothing like this. I couldn't sleep so I watched a movie called "Wild".
To begin this movie really made me think about my life. It's so interesting to see a movie that does not have a conventional antagonist that is feasible, but rather one that you cannot see. Cheryl, the main character, battles the emotions within herself. Cheryl battles the truth. She carries around this insanely huge backpack that has a lot of significance. I believe that this backpack is a metaphor for all of the problems she has carried throughout her life. Cheryl did not know why she wanted to go on this extremely long trip. She was lost herself and had no idea what was going on. I'm not necessarily sure if I liked her, or if she was even meant to be liked. She needed to get lost to find herself, and she hid from her idea.
Maybe I will go on a road trip on my own. To find myself because initially I tried to make a new me by changing my name from Johnathan to Jackson. I hope I find myself soon before it's too late.
Confused,
Jackson Carter